We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
