I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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