im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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