did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
