so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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