Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
