God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
