if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This baby is an asshole
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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