I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
