She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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