Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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