new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
