just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
