My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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