everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
