We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize