So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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