woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
