just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
