dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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