just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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