now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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