What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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