RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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