That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
