I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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