I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
