It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
