Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
