I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
