Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
