it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
