Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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