i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
