Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
