just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
