HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
