maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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