you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
