"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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