the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
