We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
