We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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