this boner is exhausting
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
