When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I currently don't understand fingers.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
