I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I look better un-naked...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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