i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
