totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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