I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
