I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
