I could make wine with my vomit
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
