Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
