OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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