What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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